Autism vs. Small Children: The Ultimate Social Puzzle

Okay, let’s talk about small children.
Specifically, me — an autistic adult — attempting to relate to them without causing social earthquakes.
It’s complicated.

Step One: Greeting. What is the correct greeting for a child?
When I see another adult, I nod or say “hi.” Simple.
But when it’s a kid? Suddenly it’s a minefield.
Do I:
1. Lower myself to their eye level like some kind of social trapeze artist?
2. Use the weird, high-pitched “kid voice” everyone seems to have mastered?
3. Just say “Hello, tiny human” and hope that’s acceptable?

Here’s the problem: The “kid voice” sounds like I’m auditioning for a cartoon character, and I can’t do it without wanting to run away and hide.
But if I don’t do it, will they think I’m some kind of alien from a planet that doesn’t speak “kid”?
Honestly, it’s like being asked to perform improv in a language you only think you understand.

Step Two: What the heck am I supposed to talk about?
Apparently, small children do not want to chat about the latest thesis on pre-Hispanic
Mesoamerican cultures.
I learned this the hard way.

I have also learned that when I talk to kids, I’m expected to discuss:

Favourite cartoons
Superheroes
Why the dog is chasing its tail again
How many dinosaurs can fit in a shoebox

All topics I can appreciate but do not instinctively jump to.

Step Three: Understanding kid energy levels
Children have energy levels that defy physics.
They bounce. They yell. They run in spirals.
Me? I get tired just watching.

Step Four: The eternal question — “Do you want to play?”
Play? With what? And how?
If it involves pretending to be a superhero or building an imaginary rocket ship, I’m lost at the launchpad.
My kind of play is quiet — like organizing my books by colour or researching obscure history facts.

So, what’s the takeaway?
I’m still learning how to be “good with kids.”
For now, my strategy is:

Avoid the cartoon voice,

nod appreciatively when they tell me their favourite dinosaur,

smile politely without overdoing it (because that looks creepy),

and let my buffer buddy take over when it gets too confusing.